How to Make a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich.

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Though the task is a bit challenging in the beginning, the ability to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is remarkably rewarding skill that will serve you for the rest of your life. The primary step to making such a sandwich for yourself is to obtain a large plot of land. You may need to take out a loan or sell some family heirlooms to accomplish this first step. You will then need three different kinds of seeds: wheat, peanut, and some kind of fruit for the jam (I recommend strawberry). Next you must plant you seeds in the large area. This is best accomplished by planting the seeds painstakingly, one by one, in a neat row.

Once the seeds are in the ground, they will need to be watered every day.  A regular old watering can will do the trick. Inspect the progress of your crops daily. Be sure to keep wildlife away from your plants, otherwise you may need to start the sandwich-making process all over again. If need be, set up a moat, siege wall, and armored guards to keep your precious crops safe. You know the old adage: “It’s never too early to install a trebuchet; only too late.”

Wheat takes about four months to become harvestable. For peanuts it’s five months, and depending on the kind of fruit you wish to use for jelly, you may need to be prepared to wait longer. (Note: It is strongly urged that you eat something else while waiting for your sandwich ingredients to develop.) Every single day between planting and harvest, the plants must be watched and cared for. Some choose to sing to their plants. I prefer to play poker or blackjack with them. It makes them feel more engaged.

When your plants finally mature, pick them, one by one, off the plant. You should pulverize the grains of wheat with your own bare hands. This will create flour. With the aid of water (which you can transport in a bucket from the local river or pond) and leavening, you can bake this flour over an open flame to create the bread portion of your sandwich. Now, one-third of the sandwich is complete.

The peanuts, once carefully dug up from the ground, should also be pulverized and then mixed with oil to create a paste. Travel to a nearby salt mine and retrieve a salt rock. This is commonly used to enhance the peanut butter’s flavor. (It is suggested that the salt be ground up rather than used whole.) Roasting the peanuts over open flame also adds to the deliciousness quotient.

As for the jam, collect all the fruit necessary for your cooking endeavors. Crush the fruit with your bare hands. Take caution in doing so; you could permanently blind yourself from getting juice in your eye. Lesser men have died of such a tragedy. Build a makeshift raft with some old wood. Travel to a tropical island and steal some cane sugar. (It wouldn’t grow in northern latitudes anyway.) Sail back to your farm and add the sugar to your fruity sludge. To be resourceful, use the raft to make a bonfire, and mix the jelly over heat until it is consistent throughout.

Now that you have your ingredients, you may proceed to make the sandwich. Take two thin slices of your freshly baked bread. Sharpen a rock using another rock to form a basic knife. This may be time-consuming. Retrieve the peanut butter you previously created. Use the stone blade (which conveniently doubles as a spreading device) to spread the peanutty mixture over the surface of once of your bread slices. Lick the peanut butter off the knife. Retrieve the jelly. Use your multipurpose stone tool to generously heap jelly onto to surface of the other bread slice. Spread it out so that the the jam is of equal thickness. Uneven distribution of ingredients will only take away from the quality of the finished product; take you time. Take one bread slice in each hand, and bring the halves together so that the peanut butter and jelly meet in the middle like lovers running across a field into each other’s embrace. Behold the godly combination of the peanut butter and jelly, together at last. You should be so worthy.

Of course, that final step to making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is the eating. Eventually you will inevitably fall out of your awed state of being and bring the sandwich to your mouth. Bring your teeth down onto the bread. Savor the incredible combination of peanuts and fruit amidst the wholesome goodness of bread. Swallow. Repeat until the sandwich is gone. The eating process usually takes less than one and a half minutes.

There may be some consequences to sandwich-making. There is the slight chance that you or a friend will want another sandwich, in which case you can repeat the entire process. Some people find that the monetary or temporal costs are too great. Pay off debts (from buying materials or getting prosecuted by that sugercane farmer) by selling off your farm, leaving you with nothing but a hollow memory.

See? Making a sandwich wasn’t so hard after all.

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