BioWorldIntel Co. Field Research: Day 1
While our team was doing a routine search for stray bugs in an isolated chlorine pool, we made an incredible discovery. The number of dolphin species seems to have inflated.
Its outward appearance is similar to that of a common bottlenose dolphin, with a few notable exceptions. Firstly, the dolphin has two large antler-like growths in a fused loop on either side of its head. Our aquatic mammal specialist has suggested that this is used to trap its prey, though it seems more likely to pathetically get stuck on a knot of seaweed, which might explain the extremely low number left in the wild.
It also has a tattoo that says “Warning” in twenty-five languages. We think that may be a threat from our rival environmental research group, GlobSciCorps. Well, screw you, GlobSciCorps! We’ve got your dolphin!
Its swimming pattern is very unique compared to other dolphins. Rather than using its tail to propel itself through the water, it inflates a series of swim bladders that allow it to coast elegantly across the surface of the water.
Its behavior is nothing short of hostile. When any member of our team attempted to climb onto its back, he or she would be capsized in under ten seconds. The dolphin has a self-importance streak a light-year wide; its ego is massively inflated.
The dolphin was found in a very unpopulated area. The occasional frog or insect is found in the pool, but never have we come across something this large. We have our marine biologists observing the area for clues as to how it could have gotten there. While most dolphins are at home in the ocean or in freshwater, this one seems to prefer chlorine water.
Frankly, all this incongruous behavior has us all tired out. Our research will continue tomorrow.
BioWorldIntel Co. Field Research: Day 2
Upon visiting our delphine friend this morning, we found its health had deteriorated overnight. Its usually round and well-fed figure was diminished to half its size. At first, we believed it was just deflating its swim bladders to reach a subsurface snack, but we have since confirmed that its health is dwindling. All attempts at CPR have failed, as it does not seem to have a blowhole. None of us is sure how, exactly, we missed that in our initial observation.
BioWorldIntel Co. Field Research: Day 3
The dolphin was confirmed dead today. Though we wanted to mourn its loss, science never sleeps. We have no clues as to what caused its sudden deterioration. It is now an empty skin of its former self. An autopsy will be done tomorrow, but we cannot imagine any other cause of death than time.
BioWorldIntel Co. Field Research: Day 4
As a scientist, I hesitate to use terms such as “miraculous,” as they tend to give my work an air of hypocrisy. However, what happened last night possesses all the hallmark qualities of a miracle.
Not unlike the mythical phoenix, our dolphin has risen from its own grave. It was round and healthy and nearly bursting with energy. After moving a precariously balanced balloon pump out of the way, we all swam with the dolphin once again, where it attempted to drown us just as frequently as our first day together.
I can hardly describe the ramifications this has for science as well as applications to other fields of study. The emotional link between sadness and death unjustified, the cyclical nature of life confirmed, and English students finally have something new to use as a metaphor in their literary analyses. But one thought stands out against all others.
We’ve got your self-resurrecting dolphin, GlobSciCorps! Put that in your juice box and suck it!