Protozoa: Though you believe yourself to be important and likeable, the opposite is true. You know, deep down, that your existence doesn’t matter in the long run, but you try to distract yourself with delusions of self-importance. Confidence ultimately rooted in fear of oblivion will get you nowhere. Remember that it is possible to be significant and insignificant at the same time, on different relative scales.
Porifera: Gullibility is so prevalent in your personality, it’s probably inked into your forehead. (You checked, didn’t you?) Your motivation is understandable; no one wants to be the skeptical prophet of doom. However, your desire to appear open and trusting leaves you vulnerable to emotional manipulation, and your optimism is merely a precursor to disappointment.
Platyhelminthes: You are sad. You try to improve your pathetic existence through material wealth or emotional distraction, but the unfortunate fact remains that you are just upsetting even to be near. You are the only one who sees the truth behind the universal curtain: that life itself is depressing. When most are given the choice between happiness and truth, they choose happiness; you have gone with the latter, which makes you both the wise man and the fool.
Annelida: You are lazy as hell. No one can take you seriously when you flagrantly display your nonchalance. Underneath, you have a paralyzing fear of failure so severe that it prevents you from doing anything at all. Your distorted math has calculated that a chance of defeat is not worth the opportunity for success.
Cnidaria: Your pessimism drives other people away. You wear sarcastic misanthropy on your sleeve like a congressional medal of honor for surviving your inconvenient life, but to others it looks like a piece of pocket lint inexorably bonded to your sweater. Such cynical observations are slowly grating on the tolerance of your acquaintances.
Arthropoda: You are incredibly stubborn. You tend to make everything into a competition, probably because of an intrinsic need to prove yourself right to yourself and others. And, even if you realize you are wrong, you will continue to argue for your side, a trait that is somewhat admirable and mostly stupid.
Mollusca: Everyone tells you you’re a wonderful, interesting individual who can brighten up a room. They’re lying. You have the remarkably consistent tendency to bore all those with whom you come into contact. You are the quinoa salad in an order of ice cream sundaes. A negative personality is better than no personality at all; at least people have something to remember.
Echinodermata: You are incredibly superficial. Judgmental and shallow, your materialistic attitude probably stems from the misguided belief that earthly possessions will make you happy. You are terrified that, if you look deeper than surface level, your value judgments will get too complicated, throwing you into a void composed of grey areas.
Nemathelminthes: You are indecisive to a tragic degree. Your intent to please all parties at the same time is fruitless. It’s about time you grew a spine.