7 Exercises for the Sedentary Cynic

Standard

Judgmental Sigh
Take a deep breath in through the nose. Exhale through the mouth with an exaggerated intonation. This exercise is simple enough to do at any time in any place, and serves as an excellent warm-up stretch to the following movements.
Muscles Exercised: Diaphragm

Tranquil Eyeroll
Relax the face. Slowly roll eyes counterclockwise. Bring the eyes back to normal position. Repeat in the opposite direction, if necessary.
Muscles Exercised: Superior, lateral, inferior, and medial recti

Airquotes of Honesty
Loosely hold the hands in a clenched-fist position. Extend the index and middle fingers of each hand. Slowly curl the fingers, hold for one second, then return to the extended position. Repeat at least twice.
Muscles Exercised: Flexor digitorum sublimis and tendons

Thoughtful Penclick
Loosely grip a retracting pen; the fingers should be lightly clenched. Extend the thumb to the button on the top of the pen. Press lightly on the button to release feelings of boredom or impatience. Repeat as often as necessary.
Muscles Exercised: Opponens pollicis

The Skeptical Glare
Relax the face. Raise the eyebrows slowly. Hold this position for three seconds. Slowly return the eyebrows to resting position.
Muscles Exercised: Orbicularis oculi

Longwinded Comment
Take a deep breath, leading with the diaphragm, similar to the Judgmental Sigh above. Utilize the vocal cords to express a condescending remark. If able, use “sarcastic inflection,” a particular speech technique developed for the ease of communication of intent. Try not to take another breath until the statement is complete.
Muscles Exercised: Diaphragm and phonatory muscles

The Sardonic Keyboardist
This should only be attempted after you are extremely comfortable with all of the above exercises. Sit in a chair with the back slouched in a gentle curve over the desk. Tuck one foot under the rest of the body; keep the other foot in contact with the floor. Extend the arms at the elbow so that they rest comfortably on the keyboard. Extend fingers independent of one another to press keys in an order that expresses cynical opinions. It is important to continue to take deep breaths as you get more detached from reality in favor of the literary composition crafted by your hand. At regular intervals, outstretch the right arm toward the bowl on the desk and take a handful of cereal; bend the elbow to bring the cereal to the mouth. Repeat as many times as necessary. Continue until the sarcastic manifesto that spawned from the repressed feelings regarding perception of society is completed.
Muscles Exercised: Mental muscles

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