An Advertisement


[Setting: Spokeswoman in the center back, wearing slacks and a cardigan. Satisfied Family on stage left sitting on a couch. Lorna sitting on stage right in a chair holding a book. The Scientist is standing on far stage right. The Director is sitting with the audience.]

[Starts from the back and walks forward, using her hands and speaking into an imagined camera. Kind of like a spokeswoman, one might say.] 
I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I didn’t see things in the same way as all of my friends. I couldn’t focus on my work. I spent so many hours considering hypothetical situations and wondering what might happen tomorrow. Whenever I was in a group, I found myself thinking of new ideas and encouraging others to do the same.
That was when I went to my doctor. I was diagnosed with overactive imagination disorder. She prescribed Phantobcisor.
I had a lot of questions at first. “Isn’t that brainwashing?” “What do you mean, I need to suppress my creative ideas?” “How did you actually invent the idea for this new drug if you’re advocating for the repression of original thoughts?” But ever since I started treatment, my mind has been completely at ease. No more hypotheticals; no more pesky nonconformity. Just being myself, with like-minded people.

[Holds up model of brain or brain poster, or an actual brain]
This revolutionary drug was designed by a team of experts especially for those with overactive right hemisphere brain activity. It blocks the “plenis vitrum” node in the brain from receiving information from the temporal lobe. Studies show that one hundred percent of patients see results within just hours of taking the first dose, and just one pill can lower your risk of sporadic thoughts by 90%. It’s so effective, I use it myself!

Let’s hear from some of our satisfied customers!

I was diagnosed with chronic optimism, a subset of overactive imagination disorder. It was debilitating; I was constantly looking for a bright side of every situation. I spent all my spare time reading Leibniz. I couldn’t stop hoping that somehow everything would turn out okay. My sister noticed, and she told me about the trial for a new medication that I should try. It changed my life. Now, realism has a hold on my reality!

Rational thinking and practical application weren’t enough to treat my OID. I used to want to be a poet. Phantobcisor gave me the clarity of mind to choose a path that I could really use: pharmaceuticals!

[Satisfied Child holds up a picture of an imaginary animal]

When we heard that our little Jamie was doodling pictures of animals that didn’t exist in the margins of his schoolwork, we were absolutely devastated. We simply didn’t know where to turn.

We had tried so many anti-anti-depressants in the past, but none of them could both suppress impracticality and supplement his low levels of realism.

We talked to his doctor about new options for us.

Then we heard about Phantobcisor. It works differently than other medications. We noticed his grades in school improve within just a few days, and his distracted ramblings have decreased by 92 percent after the three-week trial!

It’s now easier than ever for Jamie to fit in with friends and do well in school. We’re so grateful.

[Satisfied Child rips the drawing in pieces, letting them land on the ground]

Thanks, Phantobcisor!

Why do we turn to Phantobcisor?

[As each person says their line, they come to the front of the stage, eventually forming a line]

To lighten the burden of innovative thinking.

To just be purely myself, without any extraneous thoughts!

To come together as a united-thinking family.

All of us are people just like you who suffered with mental problems under the overactive imagination umbrella. And we’re here to say: With your help, we can remove the gap of individualistic perspective that separates all of us, and make our community more single-minded.

Phantobcisor: the freedom… to focus!

[All freeze cinematically for a moment]

[Comes up from his vantage point in the audience]
Andddddd that’s a wrap! Thank you all for your hard work! The commercial will start airing next Sunday.

[in unison]
Thank you.

[Everyone departs stage left except for the Spokeswoman. She waits until everyone is gone, double checking that no one is left in the studio. She picks up the remnants of the child’s torn drawing, and tries to see how the pieces fit together.]

[Re-enters the light. Gently removes the papers from her hands. He matter-of-factly states:]
Filming is over for today.

[Spokeswoman nods as if all it takes is this suggestion for her to abandon the last bit of originality left in her body. Director throws out the papers in a trash can on his way out stage left. Spokeswoman exits stage right. Lights out. The end.]


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