The Last Infomercial

Standard

(scene: Sandra, Jamie, George are in what appears to be a kitchen. Or maybe not. Everyone is over-acting, and speaking very deliberately as if they know they are on-camera.)

SANDRA
Wow, there’s nothing I love more than a nice bowl of cereal in the morning! (she tries to open a bag of cereal, but it rips and cereal flies everywhere, and she looks defeatedly into the camera) Oh no!

JAMIE
Classic Sandra! Here, let me get the milk. (tries to pour the milk, but slips and pours too much in) Not again! If only there was a better way to pour milk. (shrugs at camera)

GEORGE
Another breakfast ruined! (starts walking toward them, trips over own shoelaces) Jeepers! I’m so sick and tired of my shoelaces always coming undone! I wish there was something I could do about it.

SANDRA
What a mess!

JAMIE
(shaking head slowly) This is no way to start my morning.

GEORGE
(still on the ground) There’s got to be an simpler way!

(all wait expectantly for a narrator to tell them about a helpful product)

VOICEOVER
(gimmicky as-seen-on-TV product voice) There is no product for you.

SANDRA, JAMIE, GEORGE
What?

VOICEOVER
That’s right. There is no better way. You are doomed to struggle.

JAMIE
But how is that possible? (puts a handful of dollar bills and coins on the table) I have $19.95. (puts another few bills on the table) Plus shipping and handling.

SANDRA
(suddenly holding a phone) I’ve already entered “1-800.”

GEORGE
I’m ready to revolutionize the way I start my day!!

VOICEOVER
Revolutionize? What is there to revolt against?

SANDRA
(gets up and walks toward camera as if to plead with the narrator) But surely there is a simple, affordable product that can help- (she trips over an extension cord that wasn’t necessarily there before) Again?! Those pesky extension cords are always in the way, endangering the health of me and my family! Isn’t there an easier way?

VOICEOVER
You always took the easy way out in life. That’s why you’re here.

GEORGE
(still on the floor) That’s it! I’ll just take a trip to the “As Seen On TV” section of my local consumer outlet. (pats pockets) Now where did I put my keys….? I’m always losing them! How can I stop misplacing my important items? (shrugs at camera)

JAMIE
All right. I can do three easy payments of $29.99. (take out wallet, looks for bills) My wallet is always so disorganized! I wish there was a way to keep it neat.

VOICEOVER
No amount of money can get you out of this.

(all are still speaking with overly-affected infomercial voice, but there exists a subtext of genuine emotion restrained under a mask of presentability)

JAMIE
I just can’t live like this anymore!

GEORGE
I’m fed up with this.

SANDRA
Isn’t there anything we can do?

VOICEOVER
Want to atone for the sins of your mortal life? Negative karma got you down? Try… purgatory!

(screen changes to word-art logo that says “ETERNAL SUFFERING,” powerpoint gradient background, and the words ORDER NOW!!! with a 1-800 phone number)

VOICEOVER
Unlimited warranty, no money down. An investment that will last… forever!

(the various voices of Sandra, George, and Jamie can still be vaguely heard:)

My keys aren’t in the cereal box.

Loose extension cords are a safety hazard.

Credit cards, loose change, and checks all jumbled together– such a mess.

What a waste of milk!

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